The entranceways to the dorms at Hogwarts were guarded by paintings that talked and asked for passwords. What if that were real?! The recent availability of machine learning as an API opens up the door to an exponential growth in the possibilities for 'smart' devices. In this talk, we explore a Harry Potter style 'security' system that can both see and hear. We will string together the Cloud Vision API and the Speech API to make a fun and interactive 'security' system, and discuss what kinds of systems and opportunities these new machine learning APIs enable. Finally, we will also talk about how to make such a system reasonably secure, since saying a passphrase alone should not grant a stranger access to your home.